Happy Halloween!!!

We didn't get around to carving a pumpkin this year but I did receive an email yesterday that would have been great inspiration!  Scroll down and enjoy some seriously artistic pumpkin-ness!

PS - I received these pictures in an email so I don't know the original artist(s).  If you do, please leave a comment and I will give proper credit!

Paper Crown Coronation

source

Last month, I shared my miscarriage story.  The experience was heavy on my heart and sharing it with you allowed me to lift some of the burden.  I am so glad that so many of you have been touched.  The response was overwhelming and I'm grateful for all of the kind words. It means A LOT to me.  I thought that maybe sharing with the world was the final step before "getting back to normal".  Little did I know there was further healing to be done.

I wasn't so naive to think that the thought of Andrew would never hurt again.  A little piece of me hopes I will always miss him .. like since I don't have any bodily scars or anything to remember him by .. that having a piece of my heart being forever affected will be my "proof".

The thing is, and I promise this isn't bragging, I handled the entire event rather well.  I explained that the reasoning for this was because I was completely and overwhelming blessed by God.  I stand by this.  Those weeks during and after were some of my closest moments with Him.  I'm fairly certain my conversation with Him did.not.stop the entire time and it was SOO incredibly refreshing.  There was no room for sadness because I felt full and at peace. 

Please don't misinterpret what I'm saying though ... I miss Andrew deeply.  The thought of all the things we will never do and never say still give me pause.  I still count the weeks and figure out how far along I would be if he was still inside me. The thing is .. I just know, in the center of my soul, that it was always going to be this way and that I need to spend my time thinking about all the things I DID say to him and all the lessons I have learned during and since. Posting the story was my celebration.  It was my way of honoring Andrew and God and reaching out to other mamas and daddys that have or will experience the same thing.  In posting it though, I slipped.

It wasn't conscious and I wish I could somehow rewind and try again. (Isn't that how it always is?)  My only guess is that posting my story in some way "closed" that chapter and I felt I was "done" healing.  My nonstop conversation .. stopped.  Not completely, of course, but I found myself reaching to turn my radio back on in my car instead of driving to work and not realizing it was turned down the entire time.  I found myself with a mile-long to do list that came out of nowhere.  I basically found myself filling up my precious moments with non-precious things.

I decided that "I got this" and, in my own strength, decided to move on.  That subconscious declaration made ME the center of my universe and made ME the solution. 

It fashioned together a glorious paper crown 

and propped it arrogantly upon my head.

Thus it's easy for a peacock to flaunt its feathers

when there is yet no wind to ruffle them.

My storm was brewing though.  

I just couldn't see the clouds 

behind my electric sun.

As I was mentally parading around, proud of my ability to move on, heal and grow, I was also preparing for when I knew it could rear its ugly head again.  I had a game plan.  I was in control.  I was prepared for the holidays and for our anniversary.  For our friends' upcoming births and showers and the March birthday we couldn't celebrate.  What I wasn't prepared for came in the mail a week and a half ago.

The hospital bill.

There was just something about receiving the bill that made it all real.  It was THE BIGGEST slap in the face.  I just wanted to call the hospital and scream at them until my throat was raw.

HOW DARE YOU CHARGE ME FOR THIS!? 
I DIDN'T EVEN GET MY SON OUT OF THE DEAL!!

I was broken. I just wasn't expecting it.  It's hurricane winds savagely ripped the crown from my head and I was left bare. Then the tears fell.

I realized I just don't "got" it.  I am so incredibly weak and feel utterly foolish for thinking I have even a fraction of the strength to get through this without Him.  Frankly .. mourning sucks.  You feel great and then seemingly out of nowhere the floor drops out.  I honestly feel like I should have one of those 80s shirts that say "I went to ___ and all I got was this lousy shirt." .. except mine would say "My heart broke and all I got was a lousy $15,000 (before insurance) hospital bill". Bad humor, I know.

I know it doesn't seem like it but this post isn't about doom and gloom.  The past 11 days have proven to be fortifying.  My conversations have increased slightly and hospital payments have been made.  I know I have a long way to go.  I can admit that now.  I admit that I'm perfectly ok 99% of the time but that doesn't give me the right to ignore the 1%. 

My sullied crown is gone .. for now.  I know my Type-A flesh will override again and I will be left preening in false glory.  Let this post be proof .. only His crown reigns.

Where my crown falters in heavy winds, His stabilizes. 
Where my crown dirties, His will ALWAYS shine.

Cheers to MY King.  The one and only.

Mustard!

Typically I go to Target with a list and stick to it (for the most part) and I definitely don't wander aimlessly through the clothes section because I will inevitably convince myself that I NEED something.  Alas I had a moment of weakness the other day and that's where I landed.  The clothing section.  Amoungst aisles and shelves full of wonderful, cozy Fall-ness. 

As I am digging through the stacks and racks, a little gem fell into my posession:  a mustard-colored tank.  I know mustard is not a new color and I realize it's probably been in other people's closets for a while but my closet has been decidedly mustard-free.

Have you ever looked at an item of clothing (whether it's a particular color, cut or style) and always just said no to it .. and then one day you randomly reconsidered it .. and then FELL IN LOVE!?  Yep.  My name is Jessie and I am officially obsessed.

Focaccia Bread

Not to toot my own horn or anything but I think I am a pretty good cook... at least my husband thinks so!  My cooking repertoire varies.  I try to span many cultural styles and mix in simple dishes with some that are more complex.  That being said, there are a few avenues I have steered clear of.  One of them?  Bread.

There is something about having to mess with living yeast that just seems daunting to me.  Well, no more!  This past weekend I tackled my very first "real" bread (because biscuits and other quick-breads don't count ;)).

While perusing Food Network's website, I came across Anne Burrell's Focaccia Bread recipe and thought it sounded simple enough.  It also didn't have too many ingredients so I figured if I royally screwed it up it wouldn't be a costly mistake.  All I needed was my stand mixer, some saran wrap, and a jelly roll pan.  It was SOOO easy and super delicious!  The success/ease of this recipe makes me want to try other variations now.  Sourdough, anyone?


Ingredients
1 3/4 cups warm water (about 110-120 degrees)
1 package active dry yeast
1 tablespoon sugar
5 cups all-purpose flour, plus additional for kneading
1 tablespoon kosher salt, plus coarse sea salt, for sprinkling
1 cup extra-virgin olive oil, divided


Directions
1.  Combine the warm water, yeast and sugar in a small bowl. Put the bowl in a warm, not hot or cool, place until the yeast is bubbling and aromatic, at least 15 minutes.

2.  In the bowl of a mixer fitted with a dough hook, combine the flour, 1 tablespoon of kosher salt, 1/2 cup olive oil and the yeast mixture on low speed. Once the dough has come together, continue to knead for 5 to 6 minutes on a medium speed until it becomes smooth and soft. Give it a sprinkle of flour if the dough is really sticky and tacky.

3.  Transfer the dough to a clean, lightly floured surface, then knead it by hand 1 or 2 times. Again, give it another sprinkle of flour if the dough is really sticky and tacky.

4.  Coat the inside of the mixer bowl lightly with olive oil and return the dough to the bowl. Cover it with plastic wrap and put it in a warm place until the dough has doubled in size, at least 1 hour.

5.  Coat a jelly roll pan with the remaining 1/2 cup olive oil. (Chef's Note: This may seem excessive, but focaccia is an oily crusted bread. This is why it is soooooooooo delicious!).

6.  Put the dough onto the jelly roll pan and begin pressing it out to fit the size of the pan. Turn the dough over to coat the other side with the olive oil. Continue to stretch the dough to fit the pan. As you are doing so, spread your fingers out and make finger holes all the way through the dough. (Chef's Note: Yes, this is strange. But when the dough rises again it will create the characteristic craggy looking focaccia. If you do not make the actual holes in the dough, the finished product will be very smooth.)

7.  Put the dough in the warm place until it has doubled in size, about 1 hour. While the dough is rising a second time, preheat the oven to 425 degrees F.

8.  Liberally sprinkle the top of the focaccia with some coarse sea salt and lightly drizzle a little oil on top. Bake the dough until the top of the loaf is golden brown, about 25 to 30 minutes. Remove the focaccia from the oven and let it cool before cutting and serving.

The CORRECT Way to Use Bobby Pins

Did you know there is a CORRECT way to use bobby pins?  There is!  When inserting a bobby pin into your hair, whether it be into a messy updo or to pin back your bangs ... the wavy side should be facing towards your scalp and the smooth side should be exposed.

I feel like this is a giant DUH! for me and yet I have been doing it wrong for so many years.

The reason to do it this way is because the hair closer to your scalp (base of updo, etc.) is anchored more firmly and therefore the squigly part of the pin, which is meant to grab the hair, has something firmer to hold on it.  Not to mention the smooth side of the bobby pin is nicer to look at!

So go ahead .. try it!  Does it feel more secure?  Do you require less pins to hold your hair up?  Have you been doing it this way for years and I am the only person just now figuring this out?  Let me know!

Fresh Start and New Beginnings

This is the speed bump sign in Europe .. seriously :)

Today marks the beginning of October.  I adore this month.  It's my favorite month (and favorite season for that matter).  I don't know if it's from memories past revolving around new school years or because the weather changes so drastically but October is when I tend to start things. I guess you could call them "October Resolutions" instead of "New Years Resolutions". (Too far?  Yeah, sorry about that.)

This season is turning out to be no different than Falls of the past.  We have a few house/decorating changes in the works (one of which may or may not include a sledgehammer :)) and lots of parties, showers, and out of town trips to attend.  Frankly, I am really excited.  I love the hustle and bustle of new adventures and I am welcoming them with open arms.

The one thing that remains on our minds is ... prego-ness.  With October should come my first period after Andrew.  My doc said to expect it 4-6 weeks after surgery so I guess we will see.  Here's the catch though .. Mark and I have not, and are not, taking any precautions.  I did not get pregnant immediately last time and I don't expect to get pregnant immediately this time .. but it's always a possibility.  I know I am supposed to wait one cycle but .. I honestly am at the point where we are just letting what happens happen.

I am telling you all of this in way of an apology.  I wrote this entire diatribe about how this was blog was a space without elephants and how this was my outlet to tell you what is going on in my life ... and then I blocked you all out of one of the biggest experiences ever.  I don't necessarily regret not keeping you 100% in the loop because it was a personal journey I needed to sort out before inviting the world in .. but I do apologize for being MIA in spite of it.

This time around will be different.  That is not to say we will announce any pregnancy at 4 weeks .. because we won't .. but I will do a much better job at keeping you in the loop and letting you know what else is going on and what we are feeling.  So in a week's time .. it is back to "Bump Watch 2012/2013".

How am I feeling?  Relaxed and excited, perhaps.  I am relaxed this time because we are just going to 'do our thang' and not worry about charting or timing everything perfectly.  I'm also excited because, well duh, I want to be a mom again!  It took four months the first time and who knows how long it will take this time around.. 4 months? 4 years?.  All I know is .. I'm ready!