Finding Life Within Miscarriage

This post was not what I wanted to write. It’s taken me a while to get my words together and, honestly, I still don’t think I have. Maybe I never will. I don’t know. All I know is that I need to get this posted so that my mind and heart can rest. So please bear with me as I get this all out…

What I wanted to announce today was “I’m going to be a mommy!” and then gush about all the details.  I wanted to tell you all about our announcements to family and friends and plans for the nursery and future.  I wanted to share with you until my heart exploded and explain why I have been absent from the blog (because I couldn't tell you yet, duh).  Instead, I will say this:  "I was a mommy and it was life-changing."

Mark and I were going to be the very proud parents of a little boy in March. Unfortunately, his time was cut short before we could meet him. I still like to think we will one day. For now, we are focused on being thankful and joyful.  We named him Andrew Elam Simoneau. His name came after he passed and it seemed very fitting. Andrew is Mark’s middle name and was always going to be the name of our first born son. We honored this because even if he was never to be technically born, he deserved the name no less. Elam is Hebrew for “hidden”. It just fit.

"Then Christ will make his home in your hearts as you trust in him. Your roots will grow down into God’s love and keep you strong. And may you have the power to understand, as all God’s people should, how wide, how long, how high, and how deep his love is. May you experience the love of Christ, though it is too great to understand fully. Then you will be made complete with all the fullness of life and power that comes from God." 

~ Ephesians 3:17-19

We have been blessed through this entire experience. There was never a point where the sadness took over and where hope was lost. In all actuality, it has been one of the “clearest” times in my life. They say that you can have joy without happiness and I truly think I finally discovered what that meant. I have felt a constant presence in my life and an unbelievable peace. I miss my baby but I know God is in control.

"Now we see things imperfectly as in a cloudy mirror, but then we will see everything with perfect clarity. All that I know now is partial and incomplete, but then I will know everything completely, just as God now knows me completely."
~ 1 Corinthians 13:12

I know so many people that have gone before us in this journey. I am sure we will know many that will follow. I certainly wouldn’t wish this on anyone. But if you do find yourself in this situation, don’t despair. It hurts in the moment. It’s supposed to hurt. It’s in the darkest corners where the light shines the brightest. Sometimes He needs to take you there so that you can see. It’s not punishment. It’s nothing you did. It’s not that you were somehow undeserving. Children are a blessing and they are given to us to raise and to love. Just remember, though, that they are ultimately His. So through the tears and the disappointment .. find your Joy. You will be blessed one day. You will hold a baby in your arms and realize that THEY were the one meant to be there. It doesn’t replace the baby lost .. it only makes you appreciate more the one you’re holding.

"For I know the plans I have for you," says the Lord. "They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope."

~ Jeremiah 29:11

There is only one plan that matters. His plan. It is much better than my own and I have to keep reminding myself of that. I am a planner. It’s in my nature and, quite frankly, it’s a part of me that I nurture. So with that being said, OF COURSE I had a plan for Andrew. It was safe and perfect and made total sense to me .. which is why it failed so beautifully. God has a bigger plan for me, for Mark and our life. He had a plan for Andrew, too. We have spent these past couple of months focusing on what HE wants from us. HIS future for us is what matters. Andrew’s beautiful heart started and stopped by HIS loving hand. It wasn’t a complete tragedy.. it was an example of love and hope.

"Consider it all joy, my brethren, when you encounter various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance. And let endurance have its perfect result, so that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing."

~ James 1:2-4

Please don’t misunderstand me. This journey has been one of sadness and loss and I don’t want to downplay that. It’s just that the hope and joy are the fruit that need to be enjoyed. When we got the official word that Andrew wouldn’t make it, I cried. I knew in my heart of hearts that something wasn’t right but I clung to the hope that I was wrong.. that maybe a miracle would happen. What I didn’t embrace was that my “internal warning bell” WAS the miracle. I was prepared. I was ready. I had already begun to mourn before even knowing anything “officially”. I clung to Him during those couple weeks of limbo harder than ever before in my entire life. So when the tears fell, they were in the realization that MY selfish plan wasn’t meant to be. Once that dawned on me .. I haven’t cried a tear since. I didn’t cry when his heart finally stopped and I didn’t cry when they had to surgically remove him afterwards because my body wouldn’t let go. I just can’t cry over the loss of something that wasn’t mine to begin with. Instead, I choose to celebrate.

I would say that for the most part I feel back to “normal”. I still have about a week left of physical recovery from surgery. Heart-wise I feel whole. We are still moving forward and looking ahead to the future. We hope to try again as soon as we can and know God will embrace us. I have SEVERAL friends that are pregnant right now and they all seem to be due around the time I was. I actually find solace in their journeys. I love talking about their babies and I truly love each of them.

I have gotten only one momentary twinge of disappointment/jealousy and it was this morning actually. I found out a friend of mine/acquaintance is expecting (of course around the same time as we were). I have plans to see her next month and, a few weeks ago, I was mentally having fun preparing to tell her. Finding out she is pregnant and not being able to squeal “me too!” when I see her gave me some pause but that’s ok.

It may have been the first but I am sure it won't be my last moment of uncertainty.  I know that the months to come will test me.  The holidays will pass and eventually Andrew's "birthday".  And I know when the moment comes and I get pregnant again, I will struggle.  I will feel moments of stress and worry.  I will be scared and I will make plans to compensate.  The thing is .. that's ok.  Because I will also have the flame of hope and the reminder of grace from these past couple months.  I will have prayer and I will have peace.  I will have tangible proof that it always works out. 

I will have HIM .. and I just don't need anything else.

*As a side note: If you know me in real life, it’s ok to talk to me about it. The reason I say this is because I feel like God wants to use me in this. If you know someone who is having a hard time with this kind of situation and you think they would want to talk to me .. PLEASE have them contact me. Even if I can’t give them any words of wisdom (which I doubt I can) .. it can at least be comforting to talk to someone who has “been there”. Miscarriages and D&Cs can be scary so I would love nothing more than to hold someone else’s hand through it.