Have you ever heard the saying "If you are unsure where you stand on an issue, just flip a coin. You will then immediately know."? I think there is a lot of truth in that. The second that coin is in the air you will start wishing for either heads or tails. Well with the declaration that the waiting would be over in a couple months, Mark flipped the proverbial coin. I realized I was wishing for the opposite side.
He busted out laughing because, apparently, there may or may not have been a look of fear on my face. It's true though. The thought terrifies me. I LOVE thinking about being pregnant and starting a family and I certainly have lots of theories that need testing .. but when it comes down to actually being in those shoes .. I'm all talk. I just get this overwhelming fear of failing. I've spent my whole life hedging my bets and "dipping my toe" into situations before diving in that blindly jumping is completely off my radar. This goes to show there is a fundamental flaw in my walk with God.
I truly believe that we are never given more than we can handle. I also believe that He has perfect timing. But actions speak louder than words and my actions have proven I don't practice what I preach. I've subconsciously known for a long time that pregnancy was going to be a make it or break it experience for me. For a control freak like myself it is the ultimate in "giving it up". I have to completely surrender. I don't have a choice. He will make me and it won't be pretty. I would rather go of my own free will. I have to get my head out of the sand.
Mark has a daily devotional book called My Utmost for His Highest by Oswald Chambers. When we got home from dinner he sat down to read it. After he finished January 1st he came to find me and told me to read it. It's crazy how blatant God can be when he meets us where we are. This is what the passage said:
"...my earnest expectation and hope that in nothing I shall be ashamed, but with all boldness, as always, so now also Christ will be magnified in my body, whether by life or by death" ~ Philippians 1:20
My Utmost for His Highest. "...my earnest expectation and hope that in nothing I shall be ashamed..." We will all feel very much ashamed if we do not yield to Jesus the areas of our lives He has asked us to yield to Him. It's as if Paul were saying, "My determined purpose is to be my utmost for His highest--my best for His glory." To reach that level of determination is a matter of the will, not of debate or of reasoning. It is absolute and irrevocable surrender of will at that point. An undue amount of thought and consideration for ourselves is what keeps us from making that decision, although we cover it up with the pretense that it is others we are considering. When we think seriously about what it will cost others if we obey the call of Jesus, we tell God He doesn't know what our obedience will mean. Keep to the point--He does know. Shut out every other thought and keep yourself before God in this one thing only--my utmost for His highest. I am determined to be absolutely and entirely for His and Him alone.
My Unstoppable Determination for His Holiness. "Whether it means life or death--it makes no difference!" (see1:21). Paul was determined that nothing would stop him from doing exactly what God wanted. But before we choose to follow God's will, a crisis must develop in our lives. This happens because we tend to be unresponsive to God's gentler nudges. He brings us to the place where He asks us to be our utmost for Him and we begin to debate. He then providentially produces a crisis where we have to decide--for or against. That moment becomes a great crossroads in our lives. If a crisis has come to you on any front, surrender your will to Jesus absolutely and irrevocably.
Needless to say that left me a little speechless and gave me a LOT to think about.
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